Jesus the great Physician

Well, it has been almost two weeks since my last post. I have wanted to write but actually have no idea where to start or what to tell, I still don’t for that matter. But I shall try, to keep you all updated and as a good way to process thoughts myself.

On the surface level, I could tell you that the last two weeks have been mostly studying. I have adjusted to a routine and have found what I believe to be a good balance between my homework, housework, spending time in fellowship and keeping in touch with friends and family back home. Oh, and trying to get outside for walks every now and then, for some fresh air and a dose of Gods beauty in nature. Unfortunately that doesn’t happen every day, but last Sunday I got to go for a long walk with a few girls. We walked along a path and through a sheep farm, then through snow two feet deep in places until we got to this canal. The sun was shining, it was so beautiful.

I did get out of Vajta (vai-ta) one day too, to go to the Visa office in a bigger city called Szekesfehervar (say-kesh-fe-hera-var, took me a while to learn that one!) which was fun, we got to go the supermarket and then in true tourist fashion, paid a visit to McDonalds for a cheeseburger. In case you were wondering it tasted much the same as the Australian version. Trust McDonalds to deliver.

I’ve been battling with a few bouts of sickness (not from the cheeseburger, but from living in such close proximity to dozens of other people) and yesterday I had to spend the entire day in bed with a funny tummy and pounding headache. I felt very loved and cared for though and was allowed the rest I needed, so that I woke up feeling a lot better today. Yes, the smile was back.

So now to attempt to describe what’s really going on here, underneath all that. Last night someone relayed the words of a pastor, saying ‘people think they are coming to a Bible College, but they find are actually coming to a hospital. Don’t worry, everyone here is in the hospital with you too.’ The fact is when you come to face the Word of God and really begin to dig into it, when you get to listen to teaching and spend hours meditating on the lessons God is showing you; it puts you on the operating table. It divides, even to the division of soul and spirit, joints and marrow. It diagnoses, exposes and leaves you with a heck of a lot to ponder about yourself! But most of all it heals, restores and makes whole.

That may sound drastic, but I only say it because I perhaps thought I would just be here to learn the bible better and discover my gifts and calling. And when the classes started I was thinking, wow this seems very academic, im not used to learning the bible this way. But what I have found is the emphasis of every class time, worship time, even the cleaning and the homework, the idea is that you draw closer to the Lord. That more of ‘self’ dies and more of Jesus comes in. The lesson of grace and God truly being such a good Father to us is impossible not to see. In a prideful way perhaps I did not expect this to be a time where I would be learning such basic lessons (basic perhaps but fundamental and also incomprehensible), but God has shown me so many areas I’ve allowed myself to think wrongly.

I can see so many reasons why the Lord had to pull me away from life in Australia and place me here in Hungary so I could move forward with Him. To be in a new place strips you away of reputation, something I’ve been shown I depend on far too much. Reputation is based on how others perceive you, and you always have to strive to keep it ‘good’. The problem is this enslaves you to always be performing your best behaviour for the sake of others, when the only one we should seek to please is our heavenly Father. And even then, He does not need to be pleased, He is set on loving us despite our behaviour, and any purity of behaviour comes from knowing His love and walking by His spirit. Worse still, reputation enslaves you to perform what the world considers ‘good behaviour’, which may not match up to our calling as believers in Jesus Christ.

So anyway, in a new country I can’t be defined anymore by how others perceive me because no-one knows me here yet! And so I am forced to ask- where was my comfort and joy coming from? From my acceptance by my group of friends? From my accomplishment as a Bakers Delight girl, or being a good daughter? Being the ‘wise’ friend or older sister? Or can I find all my joy, fulfilment, sense of peace and belonging purely by knowing I am a beloved child of God? The fact that God knows who I am deep down, and that He understands me to the uttermost has been an incredible source of comfort since I’ve been here. He has said to me in His love ‘you don’t need to try and be anyone or anything to anyone here. You don’t have to be anything or anyone to Me. I know you the way you are, I know you are just merely dust, I love you the way you are. Just be here and know Me’.

I’ve been digging through the book of Matthew, and it is amazing to see how much Jesus taught ‘do NOT be like the scribes and Pharisees.’ It is definitely worth pondering why they were so evil and wrong in their thinking. In short they cared only how they appeared outwardly, they had no longing for God or love or fear of God. Yet the disciples were the most foolish of men at times, and these are the ones Jesus held dear. And right now I’m in the middle of the story of the cross, and I find myself in disbelief again that Jesus ‘made himself of no reputation’...he was mocked, they put a robe and crown of thorns on Him and bowed down mockingly saying ‘hail, King of the Jews’. This pains me enough to see my King in this position. How must Jesus have felt, from where He came to this? But he was willing to be literally nothing because he knew his honour and identity was fixed firmly in heaven. His Father saw, and knew, and that was enough. Does that not blow your mind?

I think that explains in a small way some things the Lords been teaching me. So much more too, I could talk forever about the book of Ecclesiastes....wow. But I’ll refrain, at least this time.

I want to sign out with a quote from a book I am reading by A.W. Tozer, called ‘Knowledge of the Holy’. He prays:

‘Oh Majesty unspeakable, my soul desires to behold Thee. I cry to thee from the dust. Yet when I inquire after Thy name it is a secret. Thou art hidden in light which no man can approach unto. What Thou art, cannot be thought or uttered, for Thy glory is ineffable.
Still, prophet and psalmist, apostle and saint have encouraged me to believe that I may in some measure know Thee. Therefore, I pray, whatever of thyself Thou hast been pleased to disclose, help me search out as treasure more precious than rubies or the merchandise of fine gold: for with Thee I shall live when the stars of the twilight are no more and the heavens have vanished away and only thou remainest. Amen.’

From sunshine to snowfalls

Feb 7th 2010

As I look out the window, the delicate snowflake after snowflake floating down like icing sugar to coat the world in white, I can barely believe how much change my life has undergone in the last week and a half. From a new country and entirely different climate, a new living arrangement, new people, to new priorities and a new way of studying the book I have always cherished dearly. Some (like my wonderful mother) thrive on this kind of change and relish every moment. Some would rather be nailed to a dining room chair then envision such an upheaval (here is where I mention my wonderful father, though I believe the Lord is growing him in this area so I won’t be too hasty to name-drop). I’m trying to think of a good analogy that sums up how I have felt, and it is perhaps like a child jumping into the deep end of a pool. The excitement and daringness of the jump is exhilarating, but scary at the same time. The deep water is so much fun to wade in, there’s room to do somersaults and swim around and anything you can imagine really. But at times you wish could just feel the bottom. At the same time you know the shallow end where you can feel the bottom is boring and too easy, so you would rather be here. After kicking for a while you see the sides to hang onto, for brief moments of regaining strength, but still the best place to be is playing in the cool blue deep water.

If you can follow my line of thinking here you will begin to imagine what it is like for me. I love it. It’s exhilarating, new, scary, fun, with limitless possibility.
There are times I wish my feet would find the bottom; we as people love to be reassured and secure, that’s why so many resort an attitude along the lines of ‘the only person I can trust and depend on is myself’. The problem is we only have limited strength within ourselves. The one I trust in is limitless; in his strength, in his wisdom, in his love. Also, wanting to have our feet touching seems to be a reason that a lot of Christians stay in church pews instead of venturing out. But then we lose the opportunity to experience the limitless one and never really grow in our faith. So I am content to wade, this is the faith venture God has called me to. I am to wade and trust that He is there, looking after me. If I start relying on my own strength and finding security in other things I’ll drown. The Lord however has been good in providing the sides for me to grab so I can regain strength from time to time; these I see as my fellow Christians here who are becoming my family- a moment of sharing, an encouraging word, a prayer, a time of worship, an amazing class where I say to myself ‘why would I want to be anywhere else?’.

Yes, perhaps the most exciting part is the opportunity to hear great bible teaching every day. Then being made to delve in deeper through the assignments- it is like how much water can a sponge actually soak in? And can I squeeze out the lessons into my brain bucket before next week begins? And then how much can I pour from my brain bucket into my heart tank in order to water my soul and produce fruit for the kingdom?

The next most exciting thing is seeing what the Lord will do with that fruit. To go back to my swimming pool, there is endless possibility for diving and somersaulting and swimming. Firstly, within the walls of this castle, in serving one another and using our different gifts and talents. And secondly in reaching out beyond.

Friday I had the opportunity to be a part of a team visiting a young missionary couple in a city called Dunaujvaros. I felt incredibly blessed to meet them; they were filled with love and passion for the Lord and the city they were living in, it showed in their smiles and the things they shared about life there. The best thing was we were able to come alongside them and bless them. We went for a walk along a frozen section of the Danube river and simply prayed in pairs for the city, which is a hard and dark place thanks to a past of communist rule and then an infiltration of the JW’s and Mormon groups once that rule collapsed. The church there is viewed with suspicion and caution. But there are a few faithful, who joined us that night as we went into an upper class coffee shop where they had reserved a spot for us to sit, enjoy coffee and dessert and the best part; play worship music . So it was a really great visit. We may not ever see the effects of our prayer or of our light shining in that cafe. But these things are eternal matters, and we trust in a mighty God!

That just about wraps up the last few days! May God bless you and speak to you in whatever circumstance you find yourself in. Love, Jemma.

New friends and life in Narnia..I mean Vajta =)

Trusting in the Lord

Feb 2nd

One of the best and most important things is to be sure that we are walking in the centre of God’s will. I have learnt over the past few years that if you are unsure or doubtful that you are where God wants you then it’s time to seriously pray and seek his direction. It is okay to be in this place of seeking, but we have to labour in it until he directs, confirms, and gives us that assurance.
For there will come times in our lives when the best thing we have to hang onto is “God, I know this is the place you want me, so i’m choosing to trust you.” And then to let that bring peace into our hearts.

The first few days here have been great, but not without doubts and times when i’ve had to surrender again to the Lords purposes for me. I feel like I am on the verge of a whole new chapter in my Christian walk, maybe even a whole new book. Like everything I have learnt and achieved in my walk so far, all the strengths I perceived that I have, now belong on the shelf. I can’t fall back on it, I can’t walk in it...not that it means nothing now, but I have become a blank page for the Lord to write on. Pastor Caleb illustrated in my first class yesterday that if we come to the Lord with a cup which is full, and He tries to pour in, then nothing will be added and the water will just spill out. Instead we want to come with an empty cup, completely willing and ready for the Lord to fill us, teach us, grow us. So that’s how I’m feeling right now.
Every lesson- be it servant heartedness, loving others, loving the Lord, listening to the Spirit, stewardship etc. etc. is going to be learned afresh this year. I want the Lord to use this time of being away from friends, work, movies, and other distractions to renew my mind.
I’m getting quite philosophical so I’m hoping this is making some sense. This is as much for my own sanity as well as sharing my heart so you know how to pray for me.

So on a more practical level, things you can pray that I trust the Lord in are things like my school work- it has been a challenge getting back in the mindset of having a timetable, classes, assignments with due dates, having to organise and prioritise my time so I make the most out of the 169 hours a week. On one hand I want to run back to the easy life of work, then socialising and voluntarily studying the bible when it was most convenient and enjoyable. On the other hand I am excited for the challenge, and know deep down I would far prefer to be here. Our mind and our flesh are good at trying to look back and live in the good times of the past, quickly forgetting that those times had their own set of challenges. Once again, it comes down to trusting the Lord has me where he wants me.
What’s more is as a missionary training (MTP) student I really want to be not filling up my brain with academic knowledge but learning how to put God’s word into practice, and listening for His guidance and direction. They expect us MTPs to be the heartbeat of love and servant hood in the school here. So I dont want to get too caught up in assignments and getting a good grade, that I lose the 'applying' of scripture and the practical ways I love the other students on campus. And above all I want to cultivate that relationship with Jesus, rather than just the knowledge of Jesus.

This Friday will be our first outreach opportunity, in a nearby city helping a church plant get their name out onto the streets. Do I feel prepared for such a venture- not at all! But I am a blank page ready for the Lord to form and fold and put to use. Placing my trust in Him. So theres some prayer requests and updates.
Thank you for those who have emailed or facebooked with encouragements, and for those praying. I really appreciate you guys!

Much Love, Jemma