"Home" in a faraway place

Last time I wrote about a home I returned to that was very familiar but at the same time strangely foreign to me now. As soon as I touched down into London Heathrow on my return route to Hungary, returning to the continent I have grown accustomed to as 'home', I felt the exact opposite; this is very foreign, but its comfortingly familiar.

It is quite obvious to me in my short life thus far that God knows what He is doing. He isn’t called all-knowing, all-wise and all-loving for nothing. How I ended up in Hungary for a second year is quite beyond me, but God’s ways really are not my ways; in fact they are far better than ‘my ways’.

It is easy to say ‘I know God has a good plan for me; I’ll just keep making the choices that best suit me. I know He wants me happy, and life will be great!’ But this comes far, far shorter than what God wants to do in your life. It starts with making Him Lord, and casting off the sin nature to be born into a life of walking in the Spirit. His Spirit of life, instead of the nature of sin which is slavery and death. Jesus offers this, He died on the cross to set us free from living a life in bondage to our selfish lusts and desires. It is only possible to walk in God’s plan if that sin nature is dead and you are alive to God’s purposes for you. Have you really surrendered to Him, and asked ‘If you were going to write the story of my life, how would it look God?’. I can guarantee it may be different to how you envision, but that it will be better in the long run that you could have ever imagined.

I’m sure I have written about learning this before, but the lesson that keeps coming up is that we can trust God with every big or little decision He makes for us. And this is the essence of faith.

I have been reading about the Israelites being led through the desert on route to the promised land. How they failed in trusting God! He delivered them from slavery and promised to provide a new land flowing with goodness. So why did they doubt and complain? Because they didn’t really know the One they were being led by!

It is interesting to me that God instructs Moses to send people in to scout out this new land. Why not just lead them in there and prove to them ‘see, ha, I told you all along I was going to do this, and now you see it with your eyes!’. Instead He has people go in and come back with a report. Most of the scouts came with negative and hopeless reports; “its true that the land is great, but it’s filled with impossible barriers. The enemies there are giants, we’ll be slaughtered within the first five steps!’”(my paraphrase). But one man named Caleb, who ‘was of a different spirit’ had the spirit of faith; “no, we can do it. The Lord is with us!”. Who do you think the Israelite community believed? They grumbled and wallowed ‘if only we had died, we may as well go back to slavery in Egypt!’

What is my point here? Well, God always gives us the choice to believe in His goodness. We believe a report; the Word has told us what God is like and what is in store for us. Shall we believe it, even if there is promise attached of possible suffering and hardship, or it possibly being different than what you imagined? If so, what is the basis and hope of our belief? Is it not God’s character, which is faithful and good and wise?

Surrendering to His plans means surrendering to His purposes for us, which is NOT to give us a ‘happy’ life. Don’t get me wrong, I believe life with Jesus is the most abundantly satisfying thing there is. But it might not be all sunshine and roses. The purpose for the plan He has in mind is this: For us to be conformed into the image of Jesus. Check out Romans 8:28-29. Everything He does in our lives is aimed at making us more like Jesus.

I love the internship, I love this school, the students, the staff and the ministry here. But it all comes with various challenges which I feel totally inadequate to face. Do I fear my inadequacies? I used to, a lot. I still do some. Everything in me wants to be prepared BEFORE I step into something, to know I am strong enough so I can rely on myself. But that’s not how God wants it to work. The Isrealite’s hope in going forth into the promised land was not that they were a mighty army able to conquer – it’s obvious by their fear they knew they were NOT. The hope was that God was with them.

I do not fear the challenges because I know the God I serve- He is gracious, and He is able to equip me with whatever I need that I don’t possess in myself. That pretty much means that I rely on God for every little thing, because (as I am learning) my flesh is feeble and weak and ugly, but God’s Spirit is strong and life-giving and anything beautiful in me is of Him.

A deep desire in me is that I would be a vessel containing- nay, not just containing, but overflowing- with life. The kind of life that flowed out of Jesus, that made Him able to say ‘I am the bread of life, He who comes to me will never grow hungry, and he who believes in me will never thirst’ (John 6:35). The kind of life that was written of Jesus ‘In Him was life, and that life was the light of men’ (John 1:4). The cool thing is Jesus promised that about me; ‘Whoever believes in me, streams of living water will flow from within Him. And this He spoke about the Holy Spirit...’ I want to receive that life from Jesus, and then be a vessel of it. It comes with being filled by the Holy Spirit. More of Him, less of Me!

All that to say that the first two months here have been great, very full with all the various things I do- from the study and grading assignments and writing schedules- to the fun things like baking and organising games nights and chatting with people over a nice cup of tea. If you want more of a regular update on the practical stuff going on, and prayer requests, leave me your email address and I’ll add you to the newsletter list. But thank you for letting me share my heart and I hope this has encouraged you today! Jesus loves you more than you know!

"Home"

It’s hard to describe the feeling of being back home, surrounded by fellow countrymen, the scenery almost exactly as I remember- almost as if I had never left. Everything is at once familiar and foreign. So it’s comforting and the slightest bit uncomfortable at the same time, not knowing anymore if I fit into this world they call Australia!

Certainly I don’t sound like one of them anymore. ‘You sound weird’ I’m informed by my little brother and friendly jesting friends. ‘Oh really’ I say putting on my best American accent, but I don’t have to try very hard. I don’t know if I’ll ever shake off the ‘yah’s’ ever again.

I do love just listening to Australians talk. A girl in Rome figured that out when she was trying to sell us a ticket/tour deal into the Vatican, and I was so entranced with her Australian accent I must have worn a particular expression that made her stop midway, turn to me and say ‘are you laughing at my accent?’. I hadn’t spoken a word to give away my identity, but she somehow knew it was her accent I was smiling at. I think the Australian accent goes along with our national character. Australian’s are open, down-to-earth, so laid back it’s as if the world had zero worries. It’s not just the accent but the way we relate to each other. Everyone is your ‘mate’ if they give you a ‘fair go’ (treat you well). I learnt all this in social studies in high school, but to have been in Europe I now appreciate the stark contrast. The best way I can think to describe it is that Australians are very simple people, and Europeans are very complex creatures. The way Europeans act and relate can be tied up in numerous things, often religious background or historically there are wars and regimes like communism that still bear a lot of weight on their thoughts and actions. Not so with the simple Australian who has grown up in freedom, equal rights, and no dominating religious or political force. I don’t know what to do yet with these new insights into my culture but I’m sure they’ll help me in the future somehow. They help me understand myself a little better, and the areas I have to be sensitive in as I do ministry in Europe.

While the last two weeks have been quite wonderful, relaxing, spending time with my family and catching up with my dear friends, I am conscious that this is not a resettling. It still has a temporal feel, my roots must not go down too deep, for I know that in just three weeks I will be again saying my goodbyes and boarding a plane to cross miles of vast ocean and land to ‘settle’ (in whatever sense of the word a missionary can think of settling) back in Vajta. It is nice to be able to call Australia home, what a blessed country this is. But as I’ve been reflecting on 2010 and looking back through journals I believe I have pinpointed the very day last year that I stopped being homesick- which is that longing inside to go back to the place I can call home, Australia- for good. I was in Germany, having my devotion time out of Psalm 84. It is an awesome Psalm, turn to it if you have a bible nearby. It begins with a declaration and crying out to the Lord ‘how lovely is your tabernacle, O LORD of hosts! My soul longs, yes even faint for the courts of the LORD; My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God’ and then follows on later ‘Blessed are those who dwell in your house, whose heart is set on pilgrimage.’ You see we have a longing inside for permanence, to be rooted somewhere we can call ‘home’- but that longing is only going to be satisfied when we reach heaven, the place of eternal life. So while on earth what I really long for is my heavenly home, and I must be prepared to be a pilgrim, a foreigner on this planet. To know that nowhere on earth is my home. But my comfort and peace comes from looking always to Jesus. He is my home, because He is with me wherever I go or stay, He is the one constant thing in my life. He never changes, and He keeps all His promises. Such promises are found in verse 11 of Psalm 84; ‘For the LORD God is a sun and a shield, the Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.’ As I thought about this when I was in Germany, and chose to believe those words with every ounce in me, I was filled with a certain confidence. I was still unsure at that point whether I would even be doing a second semester of bible college, whether I was prepared to stay longer in Hungary. But as God promised to withhold no good thing from me, giving me the grace and peace I needed, I was excited to see what plans lay in store. I prayed that day that in the moments I felt my heart unsettled that I would not look to the hope of returning home to Australia but the hope of coming home to Jesus. And something in me that day surrendered to the idea that what I really desired was not a comfortable normal life in my home-country. I haven’t wanted that for quite some time now, which was why I was so surprised I battled with so much homesickness when I first got to Hungary.

Anyway, so the story goes on that I did stay for the rest of the year, and though there was thoughts and plans formulated with the idea of being in Australia in 2011, eventually the Lord’s will broke through in both my desires and the open doors set in front of me. I was invited to return as an intern at the bible college. By the time the question was formally posed to me I had already spent many weeks in prayerful consideration of that particular ‘what if’. I had come so incredibly far from my first months of homesickness in Vajta. Though even at the beginning, through missing home I knew I loved the college, I loved my classes. Now I loved everything about life there. I love the ministry- seeing my roommates and classmates and friends transformed by the Word. Going on trips to share about Jesus and assist the churches. I love living in Europe and have realised more and more how big of a mission field it is. I love the family there, all the staff.

Furthermore a large part of what God was teaching me my second semester was about being great by becoming a humble servant. To follow Jesus example is to cast off all care of reputation, of being exalted. It is to lay down our lives for others, to simply love and do whatever we can to serve people. One of my favourite titles in the bible is ‘bondservant’- one who chooses of his own will to remain a servant, because of the goodness of his Master. I was praying and realising that I would be both willing and excited to serve at the bible college, should they see those qualities in me.

Basically the interns are there to serve the staff and students- we are given responsibility and authority over the students to manage certain things like the dorms and servant-hood areas (housekeeping, dining room, coffeeshop, laundry ect.), to lead the outreaches, to grade some of the assignments and of course be an example and mentor to the other students. I’ll also still be doing some study aswell. Its actually a little daunting, but I think its good that I’d be a little nervous because then I will have to beg God for His strength and not rely on any of my own- something I’ve definitely been learning to do more and more. A lot of pray will be required the whole year I’m sure! I am going to try stay more up to date with these blogs as I’ve realised how important they are to me for debriefing. When I was negligent last semester I struggled way more to comprehend and untangle all the thoughts running around my brain. So blog readers, (Lydia, I am sure you will be a faithful one) keep me accountable!

That’s all for now, God bless you for your love, support and prayers!

YAY for a blog

October 21^st

You know when something is in the back of your mind, and you always hope to have that moment of free time to get it done, but it never happens? Yeah, that’s how this blog has been this semester. Consequently you haven’t heard from me and I haven’t had this wonderful opportunity of de-brief in almost two months.

The reason I have finally sat down with fingers to keys and heart at the ready is tomorrow, actually in less than 12 hours, I will be on route to Split, Croatia, for this semesters 10 day outreach. I thought it imperative to write, not only to bring things up to speed before I come back with those stories too, but so I can have prayer support! We will be joining a missionary couple there who own and run a coffee shop and shepherd a small fellowship of believers. While the 16 of us are there (yes, it’s a massive team, please pray for our unity and that no-one gets lost) we will be helping with the coffee shop, and doing a LOT of street evangelism. We’ve prepared 3 different skits which are designed to share the truth of the gospel, and will be our conversation starters. I am so thrilled to be part of them and have had a blast rehearsing. I think song and movement is a powerful medium to communicate, and at least break the ice and spark people’s interest. I had a small taste of using a skit a few weeks ago in Budapest; a group of us were doing more of a tourist weekend, but decided to go outside our hostel to do some evangelism. The hostel, called the Citadella, happened to be on the highest hill with a 360 degree view of the city lights. Not only was it beautiful for us to look at, on a Saturday night many tourists come up to the lookout point which is where we planted ourselves. We began by singing worship songs, then once the attention was drawn we performed our skit, Pastor Bud preached and then we split off for some one on one conversations. It was incredible, I was part of three different conversations that were all very different but all positive. It’s exhilarating to be able to share about how wonderful Jesus is, how he has changed my life so much. It’s a wake up call to come back to the simplicity of the gospel, when so often I cloud my mind with complex thoughts about either theology or the Lord’s will or what I should or should not be doing.

Anyway basically we are going to be doing that for one week straight. Split is a really old city, down south on the coast, a 14 hour train ride away. Croatia is a predominately Catholic country, meaning many people are hard-hearted to the true gospel, caught in dead religious works or thinking they are right with God when that relationship with Him just doesn’t exist. As far as we’ve been told the city of Split has a large mixture of cultures as well as tourists, and lots of young people, so sharing in English is not a problem. It is very exciting! But obviously a little scary. I just know I need to be filled with the Spirit, to not walk in any of my own strength or wisdom but to walk in His power and with His love. My fear is becoming so caught up in the words and making sure I’m doing my part, that I don’t even care about the person I’m sharing with. I want to listen, to love, to care, then to share, knowing that Jesus is what every person in this world needs. And then to trust that Jesus wants to save people more than I want to see people saved. His spirit will be what stirs people, what draws them to our message. I’ve been studying the book of Acts this semester, and just love how God used these ordinary human beings (the disciples) who were just called to be witnesses. That means that they testified unashamedly of the things they knew to be true.

I would love to be able to write of the many lessons God has been teaching me through my classes this semester, but simply don’t have time (or the brain capacity/recollection). There are a couple words though that have been key- receive, response and relationship. (I wonder if it’s just how my brain works that I have a neat little alliteration there, or completely coincidental).
Recieve, because I have a tendency to prevent myself from receiving by my pride. I come to God holding onto the things I think are my strengths, thinking I can do anything...but the problem is when I come to Him holding something I can’t reach out and take anything. So I need to be reminded that the only thing useful to me is to admit complete need and dependence on Him, and to receive His power. And the other side of that is to receive grace.

Which is where response and relationship come in. Christianity is only ever meant to be a response to the things God has done... I see God’s goodness and respond with trust. I see the salvation He offers and respond in faith. I see the good plans he has for me to walk in, and respond in obedience. Relationship means that He loves me no matter what. Whether I am having a good day or bad day, whether I’ve made a ton of mistakes. If I forfeit anything, I forfeit the closeness and sweetness of that relationship. This has been a theme that’s flowed throughout my Genesis class, looking at the life of Abraham and his walk with God. Good stuff. I hope that all makes sense.

Okay, few, I finally have a blog written! Yay! I hope its encouraging, Im always encouraged by the feedback. And please pray for my trip to Croatia! I get back on the 31^st of October.

Love you all!

Give and it shall be given unto you

When Moses stood before the great Egyptian ruler Pharaoh, he spoke a message directly from the mouth of God; “Let my people go, that they may serve Me in the wilderness.” (Exodus 8:16) God’s people the Israelites had spent many years enslaved by Pharaoh, who “made their lives bitter with hard labour”. It was time for deliverance. God had not overlooked their bondage, but had “seen the oppression of His people, and heard their cry because of their taskmasters, for He knew their sorrows.” God is a God of rescue, release, redemption, salvation. But notice He is not just concerned about getting them out of there, but about what they will do once they are free. He first promises that He will “take you (the Israelites) as My people, and I will be your God”, and that He will “bring you into a good and large land”. He promises to look after them as His own children, and to give them an inheritance. This in itself is wonderful, and the cause for much rejoicing. But there is even more- God wanted to rescue them for a purpose “that they may serve me”. Far from sounding enslaving, this also wonderful news. Life has meaning, has value, has direction.

These words have stuck with me as I finish up the last few weeks of the “summer of service” program here at the college in Vajta, Hungary. I’ve been thinking about what God has shown me in this time and I simply conclude that it is the truth of Jesus’ statement, quoted for us by Paul in Acts 20:35 “It is more blessed to give, than to receive”. If the word ‘blessed’ means ‘how happy are they” then I can only praise God that His purpose was to save me that I may serve Him, by serving others.

This was highlighted to me by a quote I read in a book, the biography of a 19^th century pioneer missionary named Lilias Trotter. She says “For the blessedness of receiving is not all God has for us: a new world lies beyond- a world of giving: a giving first to God in surrender, and then to man in sacrifice. ‘Ask and it shall be given unto You’ is one of God’s nursery lessons to His children. ‘Give, and it shall be given unto you’ comes further on.”

It astounds me how amazingly God writes the plans and directions for our lives, tailoring them to our individual characteristics and gifts. He does know us, and He does love us. I am so glad I have given my life to Him. There will never be another decision in my life that could even come close in importance or significance as to the one to surrender to God.

I have thoroughly enjoyed every part of the summer time here. Some things I look back on and think- how did I survive that? Making 60 cheesecakes in 5 days, in between serving coffee and doing mountains of dishes, is now the memory of one incredible week. God gave strength in the midst of it, as if my very energy was coming from every slice of the hallowed dessert I handed across the counter. The comradery and fellowship amongst the team here has been so enjoyable. As we eat, live, work and relax alongside each other, God has knitted us together as a family. Thus the goodbyes, which are becoming more frequent as the summer winds up and people go home (wherever that may be in the world, whether the US or Brazil, or Croatia or somewhere else) are the only thing to taint the experience! But I’ve learnt never to assume a goodbye is final, you just never know when God may reunite you with someone from the past. And there’s the wonderful world of internet communication...

Right now I am in a total transition period. I should first tell you that God has opened the door and blessed my desire to complete the program with my second semester here. This means another four months in Hungary! To think at the beginning of the summer I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be here for the Fall semester, or how the finances would work out- and now to be preparing with excitement and anticipation for this new season- how my heart is praising Him! He provided. Firstly the direction, affirming His plan, and secondly tuition- miraculously, abundantly. And not only for me, my very good friend Laura was unsure if she could continue her studies right up until the day she was due to fly out! So I’ve seen God answer prayer and show his control over everything.

So the transition begins....the Cap Bar closed down this week and all our friendly appliances are bidded a sad farewell. I will miss our menopausal icecream machine Helga, and Beka the emotional expresso machine, and my beloved oven (who I think we named Chris). Instead this week I have been moved (I was going to use the word banished, but im trying to be more positive than that) to the upstairs Coffee Shop. The appliances are yet to be named, but considering it is more than likely that the rest of the Cap Bar team will soon be joining me, working there during the next semester, I am sure that more joyous times are ahead and I will have new appliance friends to tell you about in the next blog.

Now after moving into my new dorm room a couple days ago, it is just waiting for the other beds to be filled when the new and returning students arrive on the 3^rd and 4^th of next month. I have been given the responsibility of dorm steward, meaning I get to be mum- please pray I can institute unity and be loving and encouraging and also firm when it comes to keeping curfew hours. =) I am definitely looking forward to being the one who can welcome people, give the right information, show people around- an entirely different scenario from me arriving jetlagged from the other side of the world, not knowing where on earth I had landed or what I had gotten myself into last January. Exciting times ahead.

Please also pray that my heart would be prepared for whatever God wants to show me or do in me this semester. Pray I can walk in what He did in me last semester, and that He would firmly establish each step and the direction for me to go next year, guiding each decision and granting peace.

Love you all and wish that God would pour out His Spirit upon you, that you would live for Him to be glorified.

Jemma

Bloom and Grow

How strange to imagine this foreign land once coated in a sparkling blanket of pure white is now a sauna of thick hot air, with watermelon stands on the side of the road and fields of sunflowers and sprinklers working overtime to keep the grass green. The temperature has barely dropped below 30 degrees for two weeks straight. Summer in July, a concept I am only just accepting to be a reality. How strange to be living through the normally long drawn out middle of the year, spent hibernating in ugg boots, instead living life to the full in my flip-flops. Is 2010 a blessed year for me? I think so.

The summer season here at the Castle in Vajta is wonderful. It has had a different feel to the semester altogether, which I can’t entirely describe, or tell you what exactly changed. Maybe its me that changed. Certainly I feel a lot more settled and have become more comfortable with the place and the people. The picture in my mind is that I was a shrub (certainly I am not strong or noble enough to be compared with a tree) that totally uprooted. The roots that clung to my reputation, friends, and general home comforts had trouble getting used to the new soil, and so the Lord had me in a pot and personally cared for and tended to me. His water and sunlight was my sustenance. This was and is an experience I would not have passed up for any amount of uncomfortability. But when I arrived back in Vajta to begin my time as a Summer of Service volunteer He decided to plant me. The first night I arrived and walked the loop through the beautiful green trees I felt the firm earth around me, and rejoiced. I feel like I am now part of His garden here, along with the rest of the family and body who I have the privilege of serving and ‘blooming’ along side of. He is still my Gardener, my sustenance, the one who comes now and again to prune and water. But for the most part it is a season of just blooming rather of needing constant tending.

To put it more plainly I think the atmosphere is different because of the nature of our task as a Summer of Service crew- that we are a community with one mind to imitate our Saviour Jesus and serve without expecting earthly reward. We are a family, working together as a body, to bless others. While many brothers and sisters in Christ pass through this place weekly, from literally all over the world, come Saturday morning they leave and the family remains- to clean up and then relax and unwind before our next guests. Community volleyball tournaments and pool time is just different to the semester experience. I feel like the friendships are deeper and sweeter, which is also just my attitude that has changed. Being outdoors, the exercise and sunshine, oh sweet sunshine, I have no doubt about the effects of the endorphins and Vitamin D on one’s mental state.

I do see the potential for the time to become routine and mundane; working 5-7 hours a day, six days of the week, week after week. I have possibly made over 100 cheesecakes this summer, but does is get old? Never...well, thats a lie, occasionally the thought of crushing more biscuits is met with an inward sigh and a prayer- but thanks be to God for his joy and strength, for the most part I can say it is an exciting sort of life. I feel blessed to be in a position in the ‘Cap Bar’ where I get to use the gifts and talents God has given me. And I get to have face to face interaction with our conference guests, and hear stories of missionaries in hostile lands or just see Hungarian believers full of the same Spirit. You know it is a unique kind of coffee shop where a small bright eyed blond haired boy comes in asks me a question in perfect Arabic or some other language unknown to me. “No son, this isn’t Africa, they don’t have Mango ice-cream in Hungary”.

I have been exhorted by the Lord to live with a simple goal, taken from the biography of Amy Carmichael- “nothing less than to walk with God everyday”. This involves placing the Lord in my mind as the first thought when I wake up, and when I go to sleep, and knowing He is there with me in all the little things, doing dishes and serving customers. It involves keeping a lot of my selfish attitudes in check- the tendancy to give glory to myself, or judge or envy others around me. It requires always looking to the example of Jesus who did not come to be served but to serve. I finally understand the verse that says ‘a servant is not greater than his master’. Since Jesus demonstrated the willingness to take the lowest servants job- washing the grimy feet of the guests, how can we think we are above any task? Not that I think making cheesecake and cappuccinos is the least bit a low form of service, ha! But it is the principle of being humble and not thinking highly of myself. I seek not to make a name for myself, but to lift up the name of Jesus.

So that’s where I’m at, and shall continue for at least one more month. After that, God will reveal the plans at just the right time! For those blessed hearts reading this and wondering how best to pray for me, please pray I would listen to the Lord and not my own heart, that I would know His clear direction. I know this is a prayer He always answers when our hearts are right before Him, so just to have confidence and peace in that. And to serve with the right heart and motive- out of love for Jesus and joy in serving Him, not for selfish reasons. Strength and health....and anything else God puts on your hearts.

There are so many songs I like that reflect my heart and prayers but this one came up in shuffle as I was writing this, and I really love the heart of it, so I’d like to share part of it...

Sarah Reeves “Sweet Sweet Sound”

I am an instrument of the living God,
my life a melody to his name.
More than the songs I sing
Worship is everything
I live to glorify my King

Hear the song of my life
Let it be a sweet sweet sound
Let it be a sweet sweet sound

I raise this anthem high,
Let it be a sweet sweet sound
Let it be a sweet sweet sound

Dusseldorf Reflections

Im not sure if its required of me, but at bible college they are very keen on the idea of ‘reflection papers’ so I’ve gotten used to this idea of writing about the lessons God taught me, the positive and negative aspects of the trip and so forth. I believe it is a good exercise, trying to see God’s hand and what He was doing in and around me. So I’ll do it in blog form, and get a head start while its fresh in my mind, before the inevitable assignment is even given.

I will say though, that I think we can never fully fathom God’s purposes; they are much greater than we could ever comprehend. I know from experience that He prepares us for things in the future, but that ‘future’ could mean 10, 20, 50 years down the track, or maybe even eternity. This gives me great rest that God had a reason for each day, for putting me in that specific city in Germany with that specific family, with the specific tasks I was able to complete over the 30 days.

As I wrote last blog the trip taught me alot about putting my self aside. God is answering prayers to help me grow less ‘self’-conscious. I am learning that the opposite of self-consciousness is not self-confidence, but Christ-confidence. I know who I am in my relationship to Jesus, it little matters to me how others view me. Of course it can be a battle to think this way, but I find the more we let God’s word and promises capture our heart, the less we feel insecure or seek approval from others, rather than God. I had to remind myself in Germany that it was not my self I offered to the church, with whatever talents and abilities I possess. It is the Holy Spirit living inside me that I offer them. I’m just a vessel God is inhabiting, to be used how He see’s fit.

Where I might have first imagined going to Germany to be some spiritual hero, ready to serve to my greatest capacity, I found that it was not about me at all. Though I know my help was appreciated, they didn’t really need me. And I’m so glad! I think when we start thinking “if it wasn’t for me I don’t know what they would do”, or “what would they have done without me?” we start getting caught up in pride and self-congratulation. Instead, I just got to come alongside and join in on what was going on in Dusseldorf. I got to help with the ministry in little ways, get to know the believers there, pray for the needs. Pretty much become a member of the Coronel family. It was so nice and relaxing, not to feel a burden of “they are counting on me to get all this work done”.
I think it should be the same with our relationship to God. He doesn’t need us, really. But we are invited to join alongside his ministry, to be part of His family and help in whatever ways he asks us to. The burden is not on us to be a serving machine.
What the church WAS counting on me for, and what God requires of us too, is that I was faithful. That my actions glorified God, being Christlike. My goal everyday was, “God whatever you have for me today, let me do it unto you, and glorify you in it”. Simple! God may not have a 8 hour a day schedule of things to serve him in, but we should want to be faithful to whatever he does have.

This leads me to my next discovery, which is that God determines ‘need’ anyway, not us. There is much need in the world in general. The world needs a saviour, they need to hear the gospel and see its reality in real people’s lives. But God determines where he “needs” us, and this may not be what we perceive as a great need. The examples in scripture that have been strong in my mind are Ezekial, when he was called was told “they are impudent and stubborn children. I am sending you to them, and you shall say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God’. As for them, whether they hear or whether they refuse-for they are a rebellious house-yet they will know that a prophet has been among them.” God knew the hearts of the people were not going to be responsive, yet he wanted Ezekiel to go anyway. Isaiah had a similar calling. And then there’s the classic example of Jonah, who thought God was crazy to tell him to go to his enemies, the Ninevites, to preach repentance. Yet God knew they would respond. So this leads me to think that we should not make decisions on what we perceive, but always let God lead! He has a specific ministry and way he will use each of us, for His own purposes. It is also interesting to me that Jesus looks at the world and says to His disciples “the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few” (recognising the need) but he does not say “so you should all be out there, working!” His next instruction is “pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest”. Pray for more people to be sent, commissioned, called by the Lord to be workers for Him. Before you yourself go, pray to be truly “sent”, not just running off to fill the mountainous needs.

So this is where I am at the moment, seeking what the Lord would call me to, rather than trying to tell him where He needs me.

I could keep telling you about lessons I’m learning about His grace, which covers every step I make. He is so gracious, you have no idea how many times I’ve done stupid things that He’s worked out because he loves me. Like leaving my laptop alone in the Budapest train station for a full ten minutes by accident, and it still being there when I realised and panicked. Actually that was just part of my day of grace, where I made it from Germany to the Castle in Vajta by myself, by four different means of transport, without getting lost, left behind or losing anything!

So yes, I’m now back at the college, where for the next two months i’ll be part of the “Summer of Service” team. I was so excited upon returning to discover that the specific area they placed me in is working in the coffee shop (“Cap Bar”). This means I get to serve coffee and icecream and cheesecake, to conference guests from all over the world, inside a nice air-conditioned room while the sun shines bright outdoors. Yep, missionary life can be hard sometimes. Okay, at least today I helped vacuum rooms and dust and make beds for a good 5 hours. Exhausting, but I think it’s fun to be part of the ‘behind the scenes’ team, to make things as wonderful as possible for the missionaries coming to be refreshed and renewed.

I’ve said enough! Off to dinner =)

Grace and Selflessness

Saturday 29th May 2010

Right now I am sitting in a spare-room-turned-bedroom of a third story apartment that a lovely couple is graciously letting me stay in for part of my time here in Germany. I often have to pinch myself at how blessed I am to be part of a world-wide family marked by selfless love that we call Christianity. More than having instant friends whichever country I travel to, I find people who treat me as family; Burkhard and Nellie are just one such example of the genuine love that allows me to feel so welcome into their homes and hearts, that I know I am not deserving of any of it, apart from believing it is all wrapped up in the grace offered by Jesus dying on the cross. Jesus endured God’s wrath so I could experience God’s grace, not just for one time but every single day I live! “The Lord is gracious in all His works” the bible tells us in Psalm 145. Every single thing He does is connected to the fact that He does not give us what we deserve but chooses to bless us beyond what we deserve!

How hard it is sometimes to believe that; we like to know we have earned and deserved the things we get. There can be a sense of guilt hanging over us or a burden to fulfil- but this can just be our pride. We need to be set free to receive. These are some of the thoughts I’ve been pondering while being here. I’m in Germany for one month for a mission-trip/experience, to see what God is doing here in Germany and be of service to the church and missionaries who live here. I’ve been able to help in various practical ways but it’s been more of a fun and relaxing time than anything. I love the people I have met here, the American family who started the church some years ago were hosting me these past two weeks and I’ve enjoyed their company immensely, as well as the rest of the church body. I have been thinking am I doing enough to warrant these people’s hospitality? But here is where we learn to trust in God’s plan. He has reasons for arranging for me to be specifically here, more than I can imagine, and I am certainly learning a lot! Observing the daily examples of those I’m staying with is teaching me a lot about married life and family life and church life.

The biggest thing I’m learning about it selflessness. As already mentioned I am learning about the line between accepting people’s kindness, and how to respond to it unselfishly. This involves gratitude. I must come to the place where I realise it is from God’s grace, that I don’t start saying in my heart “I spent my money on a ticket over here so I deserve this” but instead just let my heart be filled with gratefulness and thanks.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the example of Jesus. When He came to earth He (unlike me) actually had reason to demand people to serve Him. But He did not! The bible tells us he “did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many”. That is a radical example for us to follow! This has been my standard- I don’t always reach it because of that thing called ‘flesh’ and ‘self’ but I am trying to just have a willing heart to serve in whatever way, shape or form. Anytime I’m called on, ‘in season and out of season’.

We think of selflessness often in terms of putting other people before us, which is correct. But the thing I’m really learning too is selflessness is most importantly laying aside our need/want to rule ourselves in order to let God rule us. In my first week here I started missing Australia a lot, but what I was missing was my old way of life where every day I could make my own decisions, earn my own money, drive where I wanted when I wanted. Which was not necessarily a bad thing! Follow along. It was that sense of independence I missed, having now been placed in a position where I was dependant on a family to feed and house me, doing whatever they instructed me to, going along with their day to day routines. In a sense I was living someone else’s life and I’m like ‘I want to live my own life!’. I feel it too when I go into shops, that selfishness desire to buy things for myself, missing being able to go into Kmart and know I could buy whatever I felt like at the time. But God reminded me of the verse in 1 Corinthians 6 that says ‘your life is not your own, you were bought at a price; Therefore glorify God with your body and in your spirit, which are Gods.’ I’ve given my life to Jesus, it’s not mine anymore. If this is what God has for me right now then I should accept it knowing His plans are better than my own!

Sin in essence is self-rule, that is what we are saved from. That well known verse in Isaiah 56 suddenly made a whole lot more sense to me the other day- it says we all like sheep had gone astray, every one of us turning to His own way, but the Lord laid on Him the iniquity of us all. It’s not easy. All that is in the world- the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, the pride of life- are things we need to constantly be checking that we haven’t fallen into. But 1 John 2 continues in giving us the encouragement, saying that ‘the world is passing away, and the lust of it, but he who does the will of God abides forever’. So please join with me in prayer that God would kill my selfishness and give me selflessness.

Well I think I’ve said enough for now! I will try get some pictures posted to add the rest of the details...Any questions or comments or if you want to make my day by giving me a detailed account of how you are doing, just email or facebook or skype...

Some prayer points would be:
To be attentive to all the Lord wants to show me while being in Germany.( I’ll be here til around the 20^th of June). For God to use me in people’s lives, and for ways to serve practically.
For God to continue to speak to me about the direction He has for me after I finish bible college.
For God to provide money for me to do my next semester.
God Bless. Tchuss!

Something I love about Germany is the story-book like altstadts (old cities). This one in Herbon was particularly cute!

If only it really was my own cottage....but we were just visiting the grandparents for the day...

Spagetti icecream anyone? Europe is awesome for its fancy Italian ice cream cafes... If missionary life fails i'm thinking these could be a big hit in Australia... =)

My new friends from the church here, Nellie (who is in fact Peruvian but recently married a German, they are who I am staying with for the next week) & Lisa.

Band "red rain" from New Zealand came to do an outdoor outreach concert in a park here in Dusseldorf. Many heard the gospel, it was great to be a part of.