Im not sure if its required of me, but at bible college they are very keen on the idea of ‘reflection papers’ so I’ve gotten used to this idea of writing about the lessons God taught me, the positive and negative aspects of the trip and so forth. I believe it is a good exercise, trying to see God’s hand and what He was doing in and around me. So I’ll do it in blog form, and get a head start while its fresh in my mind, before the inevitable assignment is even given.
I will say though, that I think we can never fully fathom God’s purposes; they are much greater than we could ever comprehend. I know from experience that He prepares us for things in the future, but that ‘future’ could mean 10, 20, 50 years down the track, or maybe even eternity. This gives me great rest that God had a reason for each day, for putting me in that specific city in Germany with that specific family, with the specific tasks I was able to complete over the 30 days.
As I wrote last blog the trip taught me alot about putting my self aside. God is answering prayers to help me grow less ‘self’-conscious. I am learning that the opposite of self-consciousness is not self-confidence, but Christ-confidence. I know who I am in my relationship to Jesus, it little matters to me how others view me. Of course it can be a battle to think this way, but I find the more we let God’s word and promises capture our heart, the less we feel insecure or seek approval from others, rather than God. I had to remind myself in Germany that it was not my self I offered to the church, with whatever talents and abilities I possess. It is the Holy Spirit living inside me that I offer them. I’m just a vessel God is inhabiting, to be used how He see’s fit.
Where I might have first imagined going to Germany to be some spiritual hero, ready to serve to my greatest capacity, I found that it was not about me at all. Though I know my help was appreciated, they didn’t really need me. And I’m so glad! I think when we start thinking “if it wasn’t for me I don’t know what they would do”, or “what would they have done without me?” we start getting caught up in pride and self-congratulation. Instead, I just got to come alongside and join in on what was going on in Dusseldorf. I got to help with the ministry in little ways, get to know the believers there, pray for the needs. Pretty much become a member of the Coronel family. It was so nice and relaxing, not to feel a burden of “they are counting on me to get all this work done”.
I think it should be the same with our relationship to God. He doesn’t need us, really. But we are invited to join alongside his ministry, to be part of His family and help in whatever ways he asks us to. The burden is not on us to be a serving machine.
What the church WAS counting on me for, and what God requires of us too, is that I was faithful. That my actions glorified God, being Christlike. My goal everyday was, “God whatever you have for me today, let me do it unto you, and glorify you in it”. Simple! God may not have a 8 hour a day schedule of things to serve him in, but we should want to be faithful to whatever he does have.
This leads me to my next discovery, which is that God determines ‘need’ anyway, not us. There is much need in the world in general. The world needs a saviour, they need to hear the gospel and see its reality in real people’s lives. But God determines where he “needs” us, and this may not be what we perceive as a great need. The examples in scripture that have been strong in my mind are Ezekial, when he was called was told “they are impudent and stubborn children. I am sending you to them, and you shall say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God’. As for them, whether they hear or whether they refuse-for they are a rebellious house-yet they will know that a prophet has been among them.” God knew the hearts of the people were not going to be responsive, yet he wanted Ezekiel to go anyway. Isaiah had a similar calling. And then there’s the classic example of Jonah, who thought God was crazy to tell him to go to his enemies, the Ninevites, to preach repentance. Yet God knew they would respond. So this leads me to think that we should not make decisions on what we perceive, but always let God lead! He has a specific ministry and way he will use each of us, for His own purposes. It is also interesting to me that Jesus looks at the world and says to His disciples “the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few” (recognising the need) but he does not say “so you should all be out there, working!” His next instruction is “pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest”. Pray for more people to be sent, commissioned, called by the Lord to be workers for Him. Before you yourself go, pray to be truly “sent”, not just running off to fill the mountainous needs.
So this is where I am at the moment, seeking what the Lord would call me to, rather than trying to tell him where He needs me.
I could keep telling you about lessons I’m learning about His grace, which covers every step I make. He is so gracious, you have no idea how many times I’ve done stupid things that He’s worked out because he loves me. Like leaving my laptop alone in the Budapest train station for a full ten minutes by accident, and it still being there when I realised and panicked. Actually that was just part of my day of grace, where I made it from Germany to the Castle in Vajta by myself, by four different means of transport, without getting lost, left behind or losing anything!
So yes, I’m now back at the college, where for the next two months i’ll be part of the “Summer of Service” team. I was so excited upon returning to discover that the specific area they placed me in is working in the coffee shop (“Cap Bar”). This means I get to serve coffee and icecream and cheesecake, to conference guests from all over the world, inside a nice air-conditioned room while the sun shines bright outdoors. Yep, missionary life can be hard sometimes. Okay, at least today I helped vacuum rooms and dust and make beds for a good 5 hours. Exhausting, but I think it’s fun to be part of the ‘behind the scenes’ team, to make things as wonderful as possible for the missionaries coming to be refreshed and renewed.
I’ve said enough! Off to dinner =)
